The Winner Takes It All as I Humour that Tumour.
The Winner Takes it All
When I win this battle, I'm going to borrow that hit by ABBA and use it as my theme song, my victory dance even. When I thought of this first, I figured that song title is very one-sided. That there is meanest or tightness associated with it. One of the best bits of advice I got when I took ill with this was "Aidan, you must be selfish with this". That sound advise came from one of my cousins who got a taste of a similar diagnosis, hence my 'Winner takes it all' analogy. To win this, you must Take it All. Rest and go asleep on your time, get up on your time. Let people arrange their visit around you, not the other way around.
On further reflection, re 'Taking it All', was that a fair assessment I gave? I know, I've just assessed my own assessment. Oddly enough, it's those little luxury things you can do when you write your own blog, I'm saying this smiling to myself. Of course it's all in jest and is part of my fantasy world I must escape too now and again. "The fun of the fantasy keeps me sane", go and figure that one out. It is one of my own self help routines I am using in coping with this living nightmare. My next few paragraphs deal with my other self help routine. I must warn you that there is dark humour involved, so if you think this may offend you, may I suggest that reader discretion is advised.
Humour that Tumour From the Darkside.
Speaking of fantasy, lets dip into what I call 'Murf's Dark Fantasy'. Trust me please when I tell you that I do get these horrible thoughts of comparison. I would go one more word and say 'disgusting'. Part of my minds analogy relates my cancer to me wearing a suicide vest. As horrible as that is, the dark thoughts of this calibre has me holding the trigger. Once my fingers don't let go of that device, my tumor is controlled. If I release that trigger, it's 💥 (Boom) and my tumour takes control and you know what happens next. I think these thoughts come as a part of some sort of custom balancing act with my mind. Call it a blast of reality and yes, that's a horrible pun I have just introduced. You see, my mind has this dark side too, and that latter pun was only a very light comparison.
I can go a lot darker and even put some shady humour into it. Just recently I donated a small prize to a social event which I was invited to and attended recently. As an extra, I had also brought to that event, a booby prize (of the darkside). That prize was a 'Murf's Free Go of Chemo" (small print: just give the wrong name). Here within the truthfulness and at times perhaps madness of my own blog, I can introduce a somewhat twisted funny side - where my dark humour is involved. However, stamp on those breaks please, pull that red chord..
You see, as novel as my 'Free Go of Chemo' was, both myself and the organiser of this event decided to bin it. Not everyone would see the funny side. That's my humour that wrote that, not yours, not theirs, not his, not hers. With over 60 guests in the room, I could have caused a significant distress here as nobody knows all your business and what goes on in your own home, in their home, behind those closed doors. Just because my journey is public, cannot, does not and would not suggest or dictate what that next persons' is. In hindsight (Oh how I love that friendly word), I'm blessed we pulled it.
The lateral point that I'm trying to make here is that, when I'm aided and abetted with my own lunacy (of sorts), I will bend my mind so I can compartmentalise and use it like a weapon to deal with this horrible affliction I was given. It's really a darkside thing. I call this process, all part of tooling up. It's really not that type of thing that I can just throw out there. My dark side needs its own rules and regs. It is important that I respect them but within myseIf. Part of my darkside / fantasy world sees me with my fully laden and primed suicide vest. I can and indeed do sleep soundly at night with this suicide vest I'm wearing, with the dead mans trigger attached to me at night time, (I went for the deluxe model). In essence, my dark side has its uses and I use my mind to manipulate it. I need to, I have to. Other days I call my tumour my 'pet scorpion'. It all fine and dandy until one day the little bastard turns around and stings me.
So as you can see, (with me anyway), taking the fully locked and loaded chemotherapy is one thing, but for me, I need to put my own stamp or indeed twist on it. It must be 'Murf Managed'. Be it going full on public, where my initial (INCORRECT) diagnosis was:
"It's in your Pancreas and it's Nasty", (For the record I have inoperable Gastro Cancer).
Utilising my 'aidanmurphy.com' domain where I reach out to others and from where you can read this blog, the latter now close on approaching 65,000 page views.
What gives me the drive here is knowing that this BastardCancer™has decided to try and do business with the wrong person. At this moment in time I am winning this.
For the record, the massive support I have here is helping me big time.
I am totally aware of this because it be-calms my mind which allows it refocus.
When my mind then re-adjusts, it gives me the mental energy to take on my BastardCancer™ and crack it open. So far, so good.
Best of luck 'BC', bring it on.
The Winner Takes it All and by jaysus don't I know this.
Thanks as always for reading my blog.
I hope in some small way, you took something of use from it.