Spirits Hi, Spirits Low.. the demons hide amongst them.
The last few days has seen my spirits race up and rocket down. One moment I'm good, next second I'm way down. A fast rollercoaster wouldn't even come close. At the lowest, I feel I'm going to crack, but just before I do, I get lifted again.
It's as if my Bastard Cancer is playing with my mind and body, in a teasing kind of way. It has an extremely confusing affect on inner thoughts. My feelings are in tune with this, so the done thing for me would be to try and counter balance the affect. But, the speed of this rollercoaster is pure vicious. My mind is racing to keep tabs on my feelings. If this tumour I have has a sense of humour, it's pure sick.
The dark feelings that come try and convince me that my fight may be just a pure waste. The feeling of the glass half empty springs to mind. What follows then is the uptimate shock and awe. Leaving two hero's behind. Two of the nicest, kindest, warmest people on this planet. The whole horror of how Alison and Aoife would cope without me. Both lying awake, crying themselves to sleep. Jesus what pure demonic thoughts to have. Must I feelthis ultimate weakness and horror to gain the strength? Is this another cruel and brutal side affect of the Chemo toxin that they pumped into my veins last Tuesday ? I should be breaking down in tears when these thoughts invade, but I don't. That would be giving in to the evil, the tumour. I go to the brink of about to crack, then I jolt myself and stand up to it. I tell it where to go, in a not so polite way. This darkness could go on for a few hours. I find it exhausts my mind, so I sleep a lot during it. I awake up exhausted, I needed that rest?? Perhaps if I give in to it and cry my heart out, it will act as some sort of pressure relief valve? Maybe so, but that stubborn streak in me doesn't do bend over, it never did.
Then, for every 3 dark thoughts, there is one bright one, one thought shining silently. This is where the good stuff happens, where I get a serious shot of how I can perhaps disrupt something for the better, warm to a nice idea, share something or even genuinely help. These are the good forces, the ones I want and indeed need to have around. Where my gut feeling is telling me that everything happens for a reason, even my inoperable Gastro Cancer, but I'm stopped short on what this reason is. My natural inclination is that I'm told I must figure this part out. I'm then thinking to myself, if I crack this thing, the demonic thoughts will be banished ? Quid Quo Pro?
The spirits are kicking the hell out of me, there's no surer thing. Without loosing my mind, I need to stop again and ask for directions. I know the good will always far outway the bad and that's the ultimate bottom line but there's a lot more to this. There's a function for me to disrupt. There's a light to shine, I just don't want to waste the batteries.
I need to sleep now.
Thanks for reading my blog.