A Bridge too far ? Some food for thought...

February 13, 2017

“Golden bridge, diamond bridge or silver bridge, it doesn’t matter!

As long as the bridge takes you across the other side, it is a good bridge!”

I'm scribing this at 1:30am on Monday morning. I've just woke up after sleeping solid from 5pm Sunday evening. I had already slept most of Saturday (in bed) so I figured I was good to go for Sunday as plans were afoot, very pleasent plans to be exact. But it wasn't to be and they went a bit askew...

The Murf's were invited out by our Aunt for a beautiful Sunday dinner. I know this because I was thoroughly enjoying it and the company, (along with a sneaky beer) yesterday afternoon in the popular Navan based Zuccini's Resteraunt. Then that feeling came again, the one where I don't feel a tiredness come along. Why give a warning? It's a complete and utter exhaustion that arrives instead and it's in your face, well my face !! It's a bitch as it gives no warning and as it's a full on (exhaustive) thing, you can't hide it. I think we were half way thru our main course meal, I had just come back from a brief escape to the bathroom again and to my own shear embarrassment I couldn't keep it in: "I'm so sorry folks, I have to go home, I need bed". What a horrible thing to have to say.

To be fair, it's family not friends we were with, which probably made it easier for me, but it's the first time ever that I've had to abandon a beautiful meal that we were invited too. I wouldn't mind but I was so conscious of this date, hence I stayed horizontal most of Saturday in anticipation of enjoying this Sunday afternoon. Poor Alison rushed the rest of her meal and to be fair, our Aunt and cousins were very understanding but what a crap afternoon.

I'm sure it's all down to energy levels and lack there of. You think you are minding yourself and doing good and then BANG, you are floored. On the way home, all I could think of was getting to bed and wrapped up in the duvet asap. The bed was my bridge and oh how I needed to get to that bridge as soon as I could. Be it a plank, a rope bridge, a gold or even a silver bridge, I needed to cross it and get to my sanctuary, my bed.

It's when this kind of situation comes about, probably more so for me as this Sunday dinner treat abandonment was a first, did I feel so helpless. I wasn't in control, the bastard cancer was. I could be less hard on myself and admit today was brought to you by my Chemotherapy side affects, but that's not me. The chemo affects are here because of the illness, the disease, the cancer !!!

I'm not sure how similar people feel (as we go through our fight with this) but one thing for me is the thoughts of being this 2nd class citizen. First Class=Healthy, Second Class=Sick.

Perhaps at age 49 and for the first time ever my health is being questioned and illness is trying to take control. This is where I need my bridge again, I need to get across this divide.

Just provide the access route and let me do the walking, the talking and the thinking. If I see nice berries along the way, I'll stop, give a sniff and on that whim, decide if I'll eat them. You see, that's the thing with me, not sure wheather it's necessarily a good thing or not, but I'm always willing to stop and have a go, try it out, taste it, give it a lash.. I should really now be thinking of calming the f¥ck down, relax, stop the over thinking etc. That might just make me really relax more and then perhaps I might not have these nasty surprises of exhaustion.

This week I'll endeavour to stay off the hamster wheel. I know in my heart of hearts it probably won't happen but sure we'll see. I'll give it a go.

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Thanks for catching up with me here.

Remember, if you are going thru similar to me right now,

I'm here for me but I'm also here for you too !!

Drop me an email to hello@aidanmurphy.com (click on email address).