That Feeling of Freshness

 
Today, Fresh Air was present and it was beautiful. 


I can assure you, since the b@stard cancer tumour moved in to squat in my stomach, not one single day goes by where I don't feel terrible and trodden on for at least part of the day. From cramps to constipation, dizziness to diarrhoea, shivering to sweating, crying to being cranky, I get it all. It is this that cuts away at me while trying to wear me down. Then on top, I have that dreadful mental torture of dark morbid thoughts. The hardest thing I have EVER done in my life to date, is to face up to and stare down this shear madness and learn to deal with it whilst at the same time, knocking those heavily anchored horrible situations to oblivion. I am still very much in fighting mode here, but if you who are reading this, has trodden this evil path before me and have come out the far side, I cannot begin to even fathom the shear enormity of respect I have for you. With a sincere nod to a particular military division of our neighbours across the small pond, but multiple training sessions with the S.A.S doesn't even come close to what Cancer patients face 24x7. The real and present worry of death is always there, it has to be, if it's not, I wouldn't have this clear fight in me, would I?

Today, Sunday was my 7th day off my daily chemotherapy tablets. All done by design, as my white blood cells need to be up for my impending 'Toxic Tuesday'. To assist in this, these powerful Chemo tablets are put one side. Why ? Because chemotherapy kills white blood cells, simples !!. On the flip side, it means since last Monday, my Chemo side effects have been gently getting diluted. In English, my energy levels have been in bouncing form because of this. The trick here is (I am learning), is NOT to use this newly found energy. Huh? Yes, do not use. Infact rest up even more. My body needs to stockpile this energy. Come the morning of Toxic Tuesday, my white blood cells will be screaming for energy. I need it present. No white blood cells, no Chemo. 

But today was by far the best day I have had since I got ill. My mind was clear all day today. I noticed a noteable sharpness in my ability to see and think acutely and accurately. My appetite was also in top form. Because of this, a domino affect kicked in and I really felt in a good place. Infact, my gut feeling is telling me that there will be some decent positivity this coming week, whatever that is? I've no clue. For the record, I don't play the lotto so it can't be that lol. As mentioned briefly in a recent previous blog, my twice daily painkillers are also reduced and so hopefully on this coming Toxic Tuesday, my 'Pain Dr' will see fit to shave another 10mg/dose off. 

Of course, in this game of Gastro Cancer, I must be ready for that possible rebound back to the badness. If it happens, it happens. It just must be dealt with and done so in such a way where I eventually KILL-KILL-KILL my unwelcome enemy. 

Murf will be up for Murder. 
I'll willingly plead "GUILTY Your Honor". 
I'm sure my defence council will be agreeable to this fate. 




Good night to you all and Thank You for dropping by. 


 


 
         (Click email address to say hello).


Comments

  1. Unknown27 February 2017 at 00:39

    Aidan I respect and admire your frankness your laying bare your integrity in your blogging .... RESPECT Though you are being tested right now I feel a positive outcome for you. Hugs Aidan 😊

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aidan27 February 2017 at 01:35

      Thanks Ada.
      Please god I'll win this evil contest.
      Xx
      A.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rocking the boat and going Radio GaGa.

Image
It's approaching 5am here and I've been awake since 3am. I have to own up and admit the last 2 nights saw me just feeling like.. Crap!! I hate that word but right now it's the right one to use.  If you are on similar treatment to me this may well resonate with you. It's not a nauseous thing, more like a deep down feeling of being very low,  but also feeling tired at the same time. Going to bed and burying myself deep under the duvet, when done just felt so appropriate, if I'm let use that word.  Last night, with that 'crap' feeling visiting me again, circa 10pm I went to bed. As I climbed the stairs I could feel the onslaught of a wave of emotions all gathering up. They were coming in thick and fast and bed was the last thing these mental vibrations had on their mind. Then, wallop, they knocked me for six. These vibrations as I've just christened them found my voice and took over.  "I can't take this shit anymore. Why me? what did I do on you go
Read more

Getting to know the enemy.

Image
A wise and trusted friend once told me: (You know who you are). "Murf, always pick your fight on your terms, not on theirs". I am now a number of weeks into my diagnosis, a tumour located in my stomach (Gastro Cancer).   IT IS NOT in the pancreas as per some vicious rumours !!! Although it cannot be operated on (due to it having feeds to blood vessels), the plan is to shrink it with chemotherapy and then the next stage is to hibernate it. So that's my enemy. All my information about this new foe, I take directly from the professionals I have entrusted my care and recovery with. I have not and will not succumb to 'that urge' of asking 'Dr. Google' about it. It's immature, a total waste of time and may I add, grossly inappropriate and downright disrespectful to the qualified professionals that are looking after my health interests right now. Without a doubt, my enemy is a nasty piece of work, the only respect I have for it, is the respect to wi
Read more

Close Family and Genuine Friendships Rule Forever.

Image
Think back about the last time something of significance happened in your life, and you will probably remember where you were exactly at that moment of time. For example, I can recall exactly where I was when the late journalist Veronica Guerin was murdered. Same for the late Princess Diana when she was killed in that terrible crash in Paris.  Roll on to just a few weeks ago, a morning I will never forget where I was.  Sitting up in my hospital bed, 5 days after collapsing at home. The curtain is pulled half way around my bed and the Professor who had test results broke the news directly to me. I do appreciate how these medical minds can and indeed have to work. BUT, would it have been rocket science to have some foresight and have perhaps my wife and close family close pre this type of news delivery? Minutes after the news, in what can only be described as a modest show of empathy, my knee is squeezed thru the bedclothes and the professor leaves me on my own. I'm a big guy, 6ft 4,
Read more