Thursday's open letter to my tumour.
It is now gone two weeks since you decided that expansion might be good for you. Admititly, this came thundering down the tracks to me in the guise of perhaps the most sobering thought of my life, to date. Yes, it is my understanding that your expansion plans are not overly aggressive, but lets call a spade, a spade, you most certainly cannot (and will not) be trusted.
Even with my new lashings of (now weekly) chemotherapy, I'm actually kind of proud of my body and indeed my minds' take on what is going on right now. Things are holding up well. Today was a particularly pleasent day. The icing on the cake for me today? Two beautiful back-to-back mindfulness and relaxation class's dished out with mutual complimentary components. All expertly and indeed compassionately delivered by the Gary Kelly Cancer Support Centre. Since I plucked up the courage to walk up that very special welcoming and homely landscaped path of their home in Drogheda, I have experienced and of course learned (and am still learning) the mindfulness and relaxation skills that are now so important to me. But it goes one step further Mr. Tumour, I also get to chat with like minded cancer fighters just like me. All done in a much loved and very much cared for specialist environment.
Since I have taken on a total acceptance of where I am right NOW, because I am here within the NOW, I have noticed a rebalancing of my thoughts towards you. Gone are those fighting words and lucid tones of my costic aggression that I have been chastising you with. But what I see now is a total distrust of you and all about you. You see, with my new take on you, I have a problem. I simply do not know if you will bite me soon and bite me bad.
In an attempt to rebalance this anomaly, I'm finding it more and more convincing and dare I say obvious, that my NOW moment wants a bigger say in things. Situations, events and even opportunities that, up to now I have deferred for a few weeks, I am now finding I need to push myself forward, sign up to and deliver on these things, sooner rather than later. Call it gut instinct, call it a voice, all I know is I am so listening to it right now. Please do not think I am in rush mode, I'm not. But I am switched into a gear that wants to see me and allow me reap what I want to sew. My main concern being that, when I sew some really cool seeds but then you Mr. Tumour decide to accellerate with a new agenda which in essence, gives me issues with delivering certain and specific goals that I so desperately want to play my part in. So the 'now' thing is big with me right now. I won't be kicking many cans down the road just yet. A massive help to me at this moment of time WOULD be for me to be privy to what my next CT SCAN will hold. But that's the future. I need and will demand to keep my feet firmly in the now, for it is in the present I want to be and in the NOW presence I intend to stay.
With the above thoughts circling my whole mind, and lets say the batteries ran out quick on me, what would I like to write to you about then Mr. T?
I would probably use my newest word, 'grateful'. But here's a twist to that. Yes, I am grateful for all the good that has happened to me over the past number of years. But I am also OK (call it perverse if you really must) that Cancer decided to pick me. By doing so Mr. Tumour, you acknowledge me as a worthy accessory. For my part, you did not do the cowardly thing and pick a person with vulnerabilities, you picked me and as per one of my earliest blogs, perhaps even my first blog, I accepted this challenge months ago.
The WIN for me in this, is to prove that by taking you on board Mr. Tumour, I also take on board the no-how that is needed to neutrilse you. The bonus being, if I get it right, you bow out gracefully, but you allow me 'back-share' to everyone else, how I managed it, assuming of course I do. If I cannot win Mr.Tumour, then I cannot lose, think about that one as you plot your next surprise against me. Here's a clue, it's a sporting thing, not that I consider you of that unique mindset, NO !.
If by a fleeting chance your cards land before mine, be assured, infact be totally assured that I gave it socks and then some more. But there is more. I managed to pull amazing family and friends with me and to top it all off, the whole world (literally) of avaitors and expecially the beautiful world of Hot Air Ballooning reached out to me and took this Irish pilot by the hand and squeeezed hard. I still pinch myself to acknowledge the reality that continues to grow within an amazing support network that I now feel so privileged to be involved with.
In closing Mr.T, I'm grateful.
"Prepare for flight Sir'.