Rocking the boat and going Radio GaGa.
It's approaching 5am here and I've been awake since 3am. I have to own up and admit the last 2 nights saw me just feeling like.. Crap!! I hate that word but right now it's the right one to use.
If you are on similar treatment to me this may well resonate with you. It's not a nauseous thing, more like a deep down feeling of being very low, but also feeling tired at the same time. Going to bed and burying myself deep under the duvet, when done just felt so appropriate, if I'm let use that word.
Last night, with that 'crap' feeling visiting me again, circa 10pm I went to bed. As I climbed the stairs I could feel the onslaught of a wave of emotions all gathering up. They were coming in thick and fast and bed was the last thing these mental vibrations had on their mind. Then, wallop, they knocked me for six. These vibrations as I've just christened them found my voice and took over.
"I can't take this shit anymore. Why me? what did I do on you god to deserve this? I know I'm not perfect but there's enough fxckers in the world right now to take things out on but you chose me for this, WHY ???
I can't cope Alison, I'm trying so hard to beat this but there's no let up, it's like a boxing fight but there's no break, no rounds, just non-stop fighting it, non-stop"
With that vented off, I begin to calm down. I've just taken my 12 hourly tablets and I'm so nervous my worked up state will result in me vomiting them up. Alison try's to calm me down and on the 3rd attempt I begin to listen to her lucid but calming tones. My blood count is up, there's weight going on, things are moving in the right direction. I'll be fine. I bury myself in the duvet. I'm calming down. I'm in my cocoon, my safe zone and Alison is right here beside me. Whatever about me, poor Alison doesn't deserve the first nanosecond of this, not now, not never. What a rock I married. No stronger words come to mind right now but one in a million doesn't even come close, how could it possibly !!
Looking back on the events of last night, to the trained and tuned in individual this all probably makes sense.
I'm 48 and in all the times when I was (and still am) employed by 3rd party companies I never 'pulled a sicky'. I always said "loosers and lazy assholes do that but oddly enough are never ill or poorly enough so as not to be able to get to an ATM machine to withdraw and spend their employers cash". I've gone from a definite excellence health status that was taken for granted to one that when I go to stand up I have to hold and balance myself first and that's before we even enter the toxic world of chemotherapy. How fxcked up is that ???
It's now just gone 5:30am and to be fair, I'm totally relaxed here in bed as I tap feverishly away on my iPad. The fact that I have recalled and in essence just rewrote syllable for syllable, the upsetting events of the past few hours has acted more like a purging process for my mind. Keeping my brain molecules distracted as my fingers race across my tablet, is the FM stereo quality feed of KOLA, a Southern Californian based eighties radio station.
KOLA Radio as seen via my remote control (iPad).
(The high quality audio is fed directy to my Roberts Radio).
So today, I've christened Murf's Mental Health day. It's Sunday, and for me it's going to be a purposely slow day. No running or racing around, no agenda. Whatever happens today happens. Even staying in my snugly PJ's remains a distinct possibility. Hopefully the demons that gatecrashed my mind last night and had their vocal presence credits spent, won't be back for a while. I don't need them, certainly don't want them but I suspect these screaming demons are part of a balancing act as I continue to understand and figure out what I'm actually going thru right now.
Its just gone 6am, so time to sign off on this blog.
Thanks so much for reading this one. I'm sure you have come here to read my truthful facts and not something that looks or indeed is cool to read in blogs like this. Those that know me well will testify that with me, what you see is what you get. With that in mind, this particular blog is not one of the prettiest I have wrote but it is a brutally honest and open account of what I am going thru right now.
Tomorrow is another day, head up, chin up, bring it on.
Thank you again for taking the time in reading this.